Jiltron 4040 - a music blog

Electric Six

2007-08-13T16:05:00.000-05:00

The Little Girl Giant

2006-09-21T17:42:00.000-05:00

For some reason, this makes we want to cry. Because it's so beautiful. I don't know if it's the song, or the large magical girl, or the cooperation of the many hands enabling her to move so gracefully.

Oh, to be a child swinging on her arms and looking into her eyes. She has a soul, and I envision the most wonderful fairy tale.

The Benny Hill Show

2006-07-19T16:05:00.000-05:00

No wonder you liked the show...
Benny Hill Dancers

Bad Wizard

2006-07-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

[Insert classic Back Room commercial announcer's voice] TONIGHT! AT THE BACK ROOM! WE'VE GOT DOLLAR WELLS AND BAAAAD WIZARD!!

So if you've lived in Austin for any amount of time (at least since the early 90s), then you know the voice of the Back Room radio commercials. And sad but true, the Back Room will be closing soon. So, get on over there one last time to re-live your past and pay tribute to some cock rock, car-racing video games, smoking in the ladies room, and dollar wells! Tonight, I will say my good-byes to the Back Room as Bad Wizard rocks out.

Bad Wizard - Sky High
Bad Wizard - Agent
Bad Wizard - The Rat
Bad Wizard - So Bad So Bad

Bad Wizard on MySpace.com

Mathematicians

2006-05-25T16:02:00.000-05:00

CALCULATING THE EQUATION OF RHYTHM + MELODY = BRINGING THE PULSE TO THE PEOPLE

The Mathematicians played closing Sunday of SXSW @ Emo's inside (Emo's Jr). And, even though I was supposed to be outside watching the band on the main stage, I couldn't tear myself away. It's like digital techno, arithmetic pop, geek rock, with mathematical wit.

With lyrics such as:

Bad chemistry
Between my robot and me
Oh he's such a sleaze
When it comes to the birds & the bees

and

Trigonometry is good for your soul on the song "Hypotenuse of Love" (which in layman's terms means "Love Triangle"), the listener can discover that mathematical whizzes can be funny and sexy. But I think my favorite song on the album is Input/Output.

The band members stay true to their form with stage names such as Dewi Decimal and Pete Pythagoras. I couldn't locate any MP3s on their site, but here is their one SXSW track:

Mathematicians - Binary Girl

Their SXSW-submitted description, I see now is: "Mathematicians, a trio of hmmm...well...eccentric professor types from Upstate N.Y. High energy, danceable, nerdy, synth punk." I was somewhat close in my description.

Who cares if your suit clashes
We're no dance floor fascists
It's 4 then 4 on the XY axis
Free your mind & wipe your eyeglasses

The only thing missing is fractals.

Three more songs and the calendar of upcoming shows listed here:
Mathematicians on MySpace.com

Online Radio

2006-05-23T14:55:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of internet radio stations to choose from out there. And these listed below are just a few of the ones I have sampled...and greatly enjoy. Qualities I approve of are: easy layout for the user, FREE, listen directly online or via iTunes (no software to download), and first & foremost GOOD MUSIC.

It would be great for you to support them, ie. member donations, (which means less talkie for you) if you had some extra cash right now in your life. If not, then don't complain about the minimal ads, occasional requests for sponsors, etc.

KEXP 90.3 FM - Where the music matters. Beginning as a tiny 10-watt station back in 1972, KEXP has grown over the years into an innovative, influential cultural force in the Seattle community and beyond.

With the Playlist consisting of Nirvana, The Flaming Lips, Neko Case, Wolfmother, T. Rex, The Raconteurs etc., this is the station for me. Click LISTEN LIVE in top left corner.
-Free (Member Supported). Play through iTunes.

woxy.com - The future of rock and roll. Broadcasts modern rock, progressive and alternative music on 97.7 FM from Oxford, Ohio.

Sample Playlist on their main channel consists of Radiohead, Zero 7, Weezer, The Wrens, The Magnetic Fields. But you can also listen to Woxy Vintage: OMD, David Bowie, PJ Harvey, REM, Aimee Mann. This 24/7 Vintage Channel is dedicated to the history of Modern Rock, Alternative and Punk music - from The Velvet Underground, The Clash, Talking Heads, The Smiths, Depeche Mode and more. Either channels are good (and still free), but I think they'd really appreciate a contribution from you. Click [Listen Now] in top right corner, then click the small line in the pop-up: "Listen to free 24k Streams."
-Free (Member Supported). Play through iTunes. Pop-up Playlist.

Radio Paradise - Eclectic intelligent rock music online radio station, mixed modern & classic rock, electronica & more. Live playlist and listener community on website.

This is what my brother-in-law listens to at his house. It's nice and relaxing, but not boring. Here is the last six hours of their Playlist, to sample the variety of songs they play (maybe for older audiences, but I definitely would not call it easy listening). Artists include: My Morning Jacket, The Who, Bryan Ferry, Cat Power, Gomez. Also, as you click on the artist/song on that playlist page, you are directed to another page, which has much more info about the artist/song, an option to request the song, and their tour schedule link so you can see if that band is coming through your town anytime soon. Pretty cool.
-Free (Listener Supported). Play through iTunes.

Pandora - Find New Music, created by the Music Genome Project.
Can you help me discover more music that I'll like? Those questions often evolved into great conversations. Each friend told us their favorite artists and songs, explored the music we suggested, gave us feedback, and we in turn made new suggestions. We created Pandora so that we can have that same kind of conversation with you.

Basically, the premise of this site is that you enter the artist or song that you like, and Pandora creates a personal internet radio station custom to your likes, based on the band name or song you entered. From there, you can add more info - whether you like or dislike the selections they suggested, therefore helping Pandora evolve with your input as well as the input of others. It seems pretty fascinating! Jimmy just introduced me to it today. Example: I entered The Flaming Lips, and a few of the artists they added to my personal station were - Kaiser Chiefs, Doves, French Kicks, etc. The thing is, don't skip the music (the station will tell you not to, because you can listen to (or skip) only so many songs per hour), so just sit back & enjoy the music (which is not what I did, so I didn't really experience the introduction to its fullest). After you listen (or skip) the first 100 songs provided/suggested to you from your initial band/song, you do have to register for the site, but it's still free even then.
-Free. Plays directly on their web site.

Wolfmother

2006-05-22T13:46:00.000-05:00

Three kids from Australia who rock - what more could you ask for.

Last year Wolfmother did a live performance at the ABC Studio 22. Listen to it on the Triple J web site for the month of May as part of Australian Music Month. Stream it live here. Listen to the song White Unicorn on the Wolfmother site, and then catch four other songs on their MySpace page. In each of their songs, you hear a different quality, a different influence: a bit of Ozzy, two parts Zeppelin, a pinch of AC/DC, and a dash of Jack White. Yet, with all their influential elements seeping through, all you hear is Wolfmother loud and clear rockin' out for you.

They recently played in Austin at the Parish. I didn't make it, but I heard they definitely rocked the house. There wasn't a doubt in my mind, though, that they would have given anything less than sensational. Check 'em out this month or next while they're still playing in the states.

Wolfmother on MySpace.com

ACL

2006-05-18T11:27:00.000-05:00

The ACL lineup is here:

Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Van Morrison
Willie Nelson
Massive Attack
Ben Harper
The Flaming Lips
The Raconteurs
The Shins
Ween
Thievery Corporation
Ben Kweller
G. Love & Special Sauce
Gnarls Barkley
Cat Power
Kings of Leon
Iron & Wine
Calexico
Aimee Mann
Galactic
The New Pornographers
Son Volt
The Secret Machines
Explosions in the Sky
Brazilian Girls
Gomez
Stars
Wolf Parade
Sparklehorse
Nada Surf
KT Tunstall
Goldfrappr
Buckwheat Zydeco
Jimmie Dale Gilmore
Kathleen Edwards
What Made Milwaukee Famous
I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness
Centro-matic
The White Ghost Shivers

And if you can't read this, watch the video here.

Diamond Nights

2006-05-15T13:15:00.000-05:00

My favorite CD of the week, and yes I know, it's not new. But it's new to me, so bite it! (This was written in early March, I just take forever to post my entries!)

Think of it as Fu Manchu meets Billy Idol meets the Darkness. Yes, it's that good. (Which basically means they're entirely influenced by Thin Lizzy and everything else. But still...it's good!) Give it a gander. You can enjoy the entire album here online.

Diamond Nights - Destination Diamonds
Diamond Nights - The Girl's Attractive

Diamond Nights on MySpace.com

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

2006-04-03T13:03:00.000-05:00

So I had just heard about these guys a little while before SXSW, and they were basically the only SXSW show that I was able to sneak away into at 1am on the Thursday night at the rickety club known as Eternal. As soon as they started, everyone was jumping around in time to their music (luckily the few people in front of, next to, and behind me were friendly and in rhythm with me, except for one jerk, but whatcha gonna do) and it was entirely too hot & sweaty in there. (I think the Flaming Lips had just played like their 30th secret show in there just prior to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, so I don't think the club had enough time to cool off at all for the new audience to create their own heat.) Anyway, once I got past the fact that there were hundreds of fans teetering ominously over the 2nd story balcony directly over my head as their beer bottles dangled loosely between their drunken fingers ready to plummet onto someone's skull, the music took over and I jumped and I danced and we were all smiling and sweating, and for a brief moment in time I didn't have a care in the world. I realized that this THIS is what I love about SXSW. This is what I love about live music. And the heat and the sweat and the possible skull fracture didn't matter anymore. Music can change the world.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Over and Over Again (Lost & Found)
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Is This Love?

And if you are not jumping around while listening to these songs or smiling inside with glee, then there is something seriously wrong with you. But, oh well. To each his own...

CYHSY concert on NPR
CYHSY concert on Morning Becomes Eclectic

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah on MySpace.com

Yaris

2006-03-28T13:37:00.000-06:00

Go to yaris-sxsw.com and download over 40 free MP3s (and exclusive videos) from showcasing SXSW artists!

Official SXSW Music Parties

2006-03-13T22:35:00.000-06:00

AND...this just IN! If you've got the Platinum, Gold, Film, OR Music Badge, the Film Closing Party has now *merged* with the Music Conference for SXSW's first-ever Music Opening Party!! Tuesday Night! And you most definitely can rest assured that it's gonna be a rockin' good time! Complete with live performance by Sleater-Kinney.

No wristband? Quit yer whinin'!

2006-02-24T16:38:00.000-06:00

Check it out y'all! (to borrow a phrase from the Beastie Boys)

If you ain't got a wristband or a badge, quit yer bitchin' people. Look at all these great FREE SXSW showcases on the Town Lake Stage at Auditorium Shores! including...yes, it's true, Echo and the Bunnymen!!

The Bunnymen perform Thursday night, along with Blackalicious & Spoon. Friday's headliner is Roseanne Cash, complete with a grand finale of incredible fireworks. And Saturday all day is a New Orleans Tribute/Fundraiser - Louisiana at Town Lake. All these shows are FREE to the public!

SXSW International

2006-02-23T18:31:00.000-06:00

From this week's Austin Chronicle, here is the SXSW International Bands supplement. A good little guide that covers the cool bands comin' in from th UK, Canada, Japan, Germany, etc.

The SXSW site is pretty cool on that fact. For example, you can search all the bands coming in from Australia, and perform other searches like that.

Attention! SXSW Showcasing Artists!

2006-02-21T00:18:00.000-06:00

Hey SXSW Showcasing Bands & Artists! Be sure to pick up your artist package on TUESDAY MARCH 14, opening day of Music Registration, so that you, too, can take advantage of the excellent Panels, Crash Courses, and Interviews that are on Opening Wednesday of Music! Artist Wristbands (without the badge) are allowed access to all the Wednesday Panels! One day only! (A Badge is needed with an Artist Wristband Thursday through Saturday.)

Everyone local or in town on Tuesday should really pick up their SXSW Music Badges on Tuesday. Reg is open all day until 8pm.

* Tuesday March 14, SXSW Registration Hours, 10:00 AM - 8:00 PM *

Wednesday March 15: The first round of panels (SXSW Interview: Ted Cohen, Crash Course - Management, and the Mentor Sessions) begins promptly at NOON on Wednesday, so get your badge the Tuesday before!

And yet another reason to get yo' ass on up to the Convention Center on Wednesday March 15 with your Artist Wristband on:

SXSW Audience Interview: Beastie Boys
4:30 PM - 5:45 PM

oh yeah.

More info here.

And so, on that note, the Song of the Day: Shake Your Rump

SXSW Text Messaging

2006-02-20T00:07:00.000-06:00

Well besides the fact that I'm way behind the times and have no idea how to use text messaging (yeah, I know, "Catch up, Jill!"), well, I think SXSW is way ahead of the times with their new SMS text messaging.

You can ask where the closest mexican food restaurant or pizza joint is, what time a certain panel is, which night/venue your favorite band is playing, etc etc.

So jump on the high-tech bandwagon! And then let me know how cool it is cuz I don't have text messaging capabilities...ha!

SXSW Music Festival Showcasing Over 1200 Acts

2006-02-08T00:18:00.000-06:00

Brett Dennen, Castanets, Dionne Farris, Fatal Flying Guilloteens, Gomez, Gretchen Peters, Jon Langford, Kiss me Deadly, Love Is All, Polytechnic, Sally Crewe & The Sudden Moves, Snow Patrol, The Appleseed Cast, The Exit, The Meligrove Band, Tilly and the Wall, and Vega 4 represent just a glimmer on the surface of the ocean of over 1200 confirmed SXSW Music Festival performers. In the next few weeks, individual band pages including music samples and descriptions will be included on the website. In the meantime you can review the alpha list currently available online.

Happy New Year!!

2006-01-02T11:17:00.000-06:00

And I'm back with a vengeance. Stay tuned for daily updates. And apologies for the extra long break during the holidays...I needed to unplug.

So, to catch you up on some of the greatest albums of last year, here are some year-end "best of" lists to tune you in to what you might have missd in 2005:

Rolling Stone's top 50 albums

Pitchfork's top 50 singles & top 50 albums

PopMatters Picks: The Best Music of 2005

BBC's "Collective" lists top 2005 records

Top 25 from tiny mix tapes (and this is one of the coolest sites out there)

Another topic of note:

Make your own podcast! Tutorial from Webmonkey

And in case you completely missed it...

SNL Narnia rap-skit - better than actual rap?

Hotel Lights

2005-12-03T12:50:00.000-06:00

Jimmy forwarded this music to me yesterday (or the day before). Very nice. I believe he said the drummer/writer used to be in Ben Folds Five.

I did like that Ben Folds Five song: Song for the Dumped (clip)

Give me my money back
Give me money back, you bitch!

Wait a minute, I got off track again...as usual. So listen to five Hotel Lights songs here. Downloadable? I don't know. Just listen and enjoy. And buy their cd.

"Sometimes Hotel Lights songs are honest and raw. Sometimes they rock out. In many ways it's as if they were written under cold fluorescent lights. And you can't stop listening."

The (International) Noise Conspiracy

2005-12-02T15:51:00.000-06:00

Last night @ Emo's

Listen to their newest album Armed Love here. And there are quite a few MP3s to download here.

Grateful Dead

2005-12-01T12:28:00.000-06:00

Here's a little blast from the past for ya. But I'm actually posting, though, because they have been in the music news these past few days:

- Deadheads Boycott Dead over Download Flap (Nov 29)
- Deadheads Outraged over Web Crackdown (Nov 30)
- Grateful Dead to Allow Free Web Downloads (Dec 1)

courtesy of The Daily Chord

So we have here a live stream of the Dead's November 8, 1970 concert @ Capitol Theater in Port Chester, NY, via the Internet Archive: http://www.archive.org. There are many more live Dead concerts that you can stream here. What a great site! And all free & legal, I think...

Super Furry Animals

2005-11-30T21:18:00.000-06:00

They sure don't give you even a wee taste of their music on their site. But...you can listen to their live appearance from this morning on KCRW: Morning Becomes Eclectic.

Super Furry Animals played a couple of Wednesdays ago at La Zona Rosa (Wed Nov 16). This I know because I was hanging out at the Backstage (the bar connected to LZR) the next night, as my friends were waiting to go see MMJ Thursday night. In walked a man (almost a boy) and he had forgotten his credit card at said bar from the night before due to the fact that he was partying on the SFA tour bus all night. Funny thing though, my coworker also said she ended up on the SFA tour bus the night before. These guys must be pretty laid-back and cool...and sorry I'm one of the few who missed the after-party on the tour bus!

There must have been something in the air, though, cuz that next night, my friend slept in her truck right outside the door of the Backstage/La Zona Rosa after the MMJ show. Perhaps the only thing in the air was too much whisky. But hey, I like it that way...

Jonny McGovern is the Gay Pimp

2005-11-29T15:54:00.000-06:00

Too fun!

So I caught the Lookin' Cute/Feelin' Cute video during the intermission at AGLIFF this October. But the Soccer Practice video is the one that started it all. Last year at work, my friend/coworker Mr. Grumbles circulated it around. And boy, was it my favorite for months!

Videos:

Gay Pimp - Lookin' Cute/Feelin' Cute
Gay Pimp - Soccer Practice

MP3s:

Gay Pimp - Electroboi
Gay Pimp - Dirty Stuff
Gay Pimp - Soccer Practice
Gay Pimp - Soccer Practice Remix (in case you just can't get enough)

I'm a dirty frat boy
on a dirty soccer team
Go into the locker room
after wrestling

But don't enjoy it too much...or you just may need this.

Find 74 Bands

2005-11-28T11:41:00.000-06:00

Find the 74 bands in the following picture:

(To get a better look, click the above picture and use the magnifying glass.)

-Forwarded from my friend T. Cooke. Him and his friend have found about 30 bands. See if you can find the remaining 44...

Hot Hot Heat

2005-11-27T16:17:00.000-06:00

Tonight @ Emo's

I know the Make Up the Breakdown album, but not their new one. If you enter the flash site, you can stream three songs off their new album, Elevator. Or you can watch two of the videos here. Go see 'em tonight. They're a fun, energetic band (probably because they're all about a decade younger than me).

Hot Hot Heat on MySpace.com

Scott H. Biram

2005-11-26T21:05:00.000-06:00

Tonight @ Hole in the Wall

I don't think I'm gonna make it...I'm a little too lazy, and I just can't seem to turn off that damned TNT! If you do go, you must curse, talk loud, and drink whiskey. It's mandatory for his shows. And say hi to all my drunkass friends.

But you should definitely go. Not only is Scott Biram great to see live, but all shows are free at the Hole in the Wall. I believe one of the first times (if not the first time I saw him live) was in the parking lot of the Austin Film Studios, after we had just completed the Alamo Drafthouse/Rolling Roadshow scavenger hunt and were about to watch Smokey and the Bandit. Aaah...good times!

I couldn't find any complete MP3s online, but here's a little snippet of Truckdriver. You can also listen to three of his songs on MySpace:

Scott H. Biram on MySpace.com

Shout Out Louds

2005-11-25T20:17:00.000-06:00

Tonight @ the Parish

Hello. We are four boys and one girl from Stockholm in Sweden and we play music together in a band. We used to call our band Luca Brasi but because of another band who also called themselves Luca Brasi, that name now sleeps with the fish. These days we call our band Shout Out Louds. That has nothing to do with Kiss although we do not mind Kiss under any circumstances. Now we are going to tell you about our band...

How could you not love them with an introduction like that of themselves?

Watch some videos here (or just listen):

Shout Out Louds - The Comeback
Shout Out Louds - Please Please Please

Besides good music, their lead singer has a bit of Jason Schwartzman-like appeal. I heart Jason Schwartzman. Oh wait! I meant, Go see the Shout Out Louds at the Parish tonight!

More videos here (or should I say films as they like to refer to them in Sweden).

Shout Out Louds on MySpace.com

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T10:35:00.000-06:00

Now get offline and go celebrate Thanksgiving with your family or friends.

Or just spend some great time alone...away from the computer.

Elephant Man

2005-11-23T13:47:00.000-06:00

Elephant Man - Jook Gal (Remix)

Shake that booty, turn it around
Back that ass up, wine go down

To see what else they're saying, here are the rest of the lyrics. I really wanted to find the R Kelly/Elephant Man's Reggae Bump Bump song. So if you can get your hands on R Kelly's TP.3 Reloaded, listen to song # 8. It's a blast. It makes you wanna clap. clap. clap. clap. I'm gonna start using the phrase 'junk in da trunk' all the time now. So don't make fun of me, cuz I've turned rasta, mon.

I tell you what though...while googling for "elephant man" images, besides the obvious hits, you get some very interesting finds...especially this one. But no, he just doesn't stop there. I sure hope this elephant man won that radio contest...whatever it was for.

Aqualung

2005-11-22T18:51:00.000-06:00

I don't usually like sad/slow songs. Mostly because they make me want to just slit my wrists (see: Elliot Smith). Anyways, this fella from Aqualung actually has an interesting approach, and you slowly realize that this sad song has suddenly turned happy with its uplifting pitch and newfound hope:

Aqualung - Brighter Than Sunshine

(If you can't open this link, just go here and stream online.)

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didn't believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
And it's brighter than sunshine

If you were with me and caught them/him* earlier this summer at the Parish, it was probably a better show than the one that's tonight @ the McCullough Theatre, but that really is just my opinion. I prefer more intimate venues, and I don't like being told which seat I have to sit in.

*Matt Hales leads the band, but his brother is also in it, Ben Hales playing guitar and getting none of the limelight. I mean none at all. But Ben's tour diary is awfully funny. And bitter. Just how I like my men:

Arctic Monkeys

2005-11-21T11:42:00.000-06:00

-I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor

Your new favorite band, the Arctic Monkeys, were on KCRW: Morning Becomes Eclectic (watch/listen here) this past Friday November 18, 2005. They played Friday in L.A. and they're not coming to Texas, folks. Well...not yet...

Arctic Monkeys - Fake Tales of San Francisco
Arctic Monkeys - From the Ritz to the Rubble

(If those two MP3 links don't work, just go here instead and download the 2nd & 3rd songs.)

I really wanted to find the Cigarette Smoke MP3 somewhere, not only because it's a fun song, but especially for these lyrics:

(Cigarette smoke yeah)
Cigarette smoke in your eyes
Watching a stripper and
(Snortin' some coke yeah)
Snortin' some coke off her thighs
Lalalalalala laaaaaaaoooo oooww

And you, yes you, know who these lyrics are dedicated to. Sounds like I missed quite a Saturday night...

Arctic Monkeys on MySpace.com

Chico Science & Nação Zumbi

2005-11-20T16:47:00.000-06:00

From Jonathan:

Brazilian psychedelica funk hop freakout shit. The genre is called Mangue Beat.

Chico Science & Nação Zumbi - Monólogo ao Pé do Ouvido

from the album, Da Lama Ao Caos (From the Mud into Chaos)

Check out this little write-up on Chico Science & Nação Zumbi and Mangue Beat/Bit on Wikipedia.org (one of the coolest sites on the internet today). And here's a random Flickr link (although I can't translate...anyone?)

Deerhoof

2005-11-19T15:18:00.000-06:00

Tonight @ Emo's

Listen to The Runners Four album here

Deerhoof - Milk Man
Deerhoof - Desaparecere
Deerhoof - Spiral Golden Town
Deerhoof - Wrong Time Capsule

-courtesy of blueghost publicity

More Deerhoof MP3s here
Deerhoof on MySpace.com

The English Beat

2005-11-18T12:48:00.000-06:00

-Save It for Later

The English Beat @ the Paramount tonight!

More songs here. More videos here.

My Morning Jacket

2005-11-17T13:59:00.000-06:00

Tonight @ La Zona Rosa

My Morning Jacket - Wordless Chorus
My Morning Jacket - Off the Record

More songs here
My Morning Jacket on MySpace.com

Of Montreal

2005-11-16T16:17:00.000-06:00

MP3 of the day, because it makes me so damn happy:

Of Montreal - Wraith Pinned to the Mist (and Other Games)

Let's pretend we don’t exist
Let’s pretend we’re in Antartica

More songs here
Of Montreal on MySpace.com

AC/DC

2005-11-16T15:38:00.000-06:00

From Jonathan:

"Touché...all the way from Africa"

AC/DC - You Ain't Got a Hold on Me

Music Starts...Now!

2005-10-27T11:22:00.000-05:00

As of today, I've decided to dedicate this blog to music. I hope you enjoy. And enlighten me, because I'm a little behind the times.

miss kitty

2005-09-19T16:47:00.000-05:00

miss kitty

life. life! life...

well i was doing great! paying off old credit card debt. working weekends - cooking food demos (haha, yeah me cooking). so i've been going out less and staying in more. taking care of myself. going to physical therapy twice a week to fix my broken fingers (in the a.m.) so i'm getting up earlier, which means drinking less. yesterday i started walking around town lake cuz it's finally cooling off a bit. i think i walked about five miles, i don't know, i hadn't done it before, i was just walking. but things were going great. solo, but nice. relaxing. healthier. haven't smoked since june 4th.

cooked a big batch of potato soup last night. dunno, trying new things, trying to eat healthier too. trying to pay my bills on time. and tend to things as i should. so i woke up early this morning to take miss kitty to the vet for her annual shots...then a few hours ago they called me and said they heard a heart murmur and it might be serious and they need to do bloodwork and if they don't find anything then they'll have to do an ultrasound of the heart. well that just sucks. and on top of it sucking, it costs a lot of money. just as i was trying to be happy and take care of things, something goes wrong. that's just life. but it keeps surprising me in a wicked way every time.

as i was walking around town lake yesterday, i was thinking to myself. uh-oh, i feel too good. i feel too happy. i feel too healthy. something's gonna go wrong. now i know what self-fulfilling prophecies are, but this is not one of them. it's just that the powers-at-be do not like to see too many things in my life going well at the same time. they just don't. they're like uh-oh, we missed it, jill's happy & healthy, we gotta go send something bad her way...

so, if you had caught me this morning, i would have been bouncing off the walls. happy & energetic & healthy & crawling out of debt. and now, this afternoon, all i want to do is curl up and watch movies and stay in bed. and listen to miss kitty purr.

i was sitting at my desk crying earlier today. it's not like i'm one of those girls whose pet is her life and has a picture of her cat on her desk. so fuck you for thinking that. i'm one of those people who let another living being into my life (at a point when i didn't even like cats) and this creature has been the only constant thing in my life for the past 13 years. boyfriends. roommates. houses. jobs. cars. friends (well my friends stick around pretty long too). but seriously, the ONE thing, the one breathing thing that i knew would be there in the morning when i woke up. and it was always comforting to know that.

when i was in thailand, it was miss kitty and only miss kitty that i worried about back home during those couple weeks i was gone. when i took her in to the vet this morning, then ran back home to get ready for work, there was a weird feeling knowing that she wasn't in my room, that she wasn't in the house at all. and i thought to myself, it's gonna be like this some day. i'll forget she's gone, and i'll come in and do my little "misss kiiiitty" thing, and then i'll realize that she's gone, and i forgot, and that's that. and no i don't want another cat. i didn't even want her, if you know the story, then you know that she was pregnant on my steps in 1993 and wouldn't go away. so i finally let her in. but wouldn't "let" her in...until she gave birth to three (and only three) little kitties (who, in fact, turned out to be some of the coolest cats i had ever met). i wasn't a cat person. will never be. but then she was never really a cat. she used to scratch the door like a dog to let her out. she was her own person. and she picked me.

when she's gone, that's it. and now i can be homeless. i can travel. i can disappear. she was my *only* responsibility. i don't see how people can just give their cats away, if they have to move, or if their boyfriend is allergic. i'm not a cat person. but i'm a miss kitty person. (her, um, 'birth certificate' name at the vet is actually freaker. because she was such a freak in the beginning, meaning she wouldn't go away. but she didn't want me to touch her either. little did i know then that she was pregnant at the time.) but i couldn't give away miss kitty. ever. or live in a place that didn't allow cats. i mean, these things weren't even an option, once she picked me and i pretty much said, yes i'll take care of you, you are safe here, you can relax now. well, that was it. done deal.

seriously, i was getting teary-eyed at work, and kept asking the vet on the phone, well what does this mean and what does that mean. and she kept evading my questions, "we won't know till we get the bloodwork back" and i'm like sorry but i need the worst-case scenario. i have seen people, human beings, deteriorate in front of my eyes because the doctors aren't honest enough to tell you how serious some medical problems are. i knew this was coming, that the death of my cat would make me cry more than the death of my father. just because i didn't cry at my father's death. i couldn't. i was "the strong one." i had to fake it and make all the arrangements and let them lean on me. but after that, after that i would shake my cat awake every night when i didn't hear her breathing, "are you dead?" "are you dead?" that's all i kept thinking. she's next. when someone passes away in the same room as you, "are you dead?" "are you still breathing?" those words. in your head. are frightening. and peaceful. and confusing. and should be changed to, "are you no longer in pain?"

i was sitting there at the vet's office earlier, i wanted to pick her up and get her out of there as soon as they told me the news over the phone, and i ended up being one of those people (but not really, cuz i would do anything for her) who asks, well how much will this cost? as if there is a price limit to what i would do for my cat. well there is, isn't there? i mean, i could afford a couple hundred (which i had to slap down today, which i don't have). but i mean i really honestly couldn't afford a couple thousand if that was the surgery cost. i was thinking that in my head. i can't afford this. and what terrible terrible thoughts to go through one's mind. then i'm writing my check for $188.70 going oh please let the bloodwork results show something because i'm positively sure i can't afford an ultrasound of her heart. (i wouldn't even go to the doctor for my own broken fingers cuz i was afraid of the cost. and now that i'm paying those costs, i'm also having to work weekends to cover those extra costs).

well anyway, so i'm sitting there, writing my check. and the older man next to me is getting a little aggravated, no, just a little upset. and you could hear the young receptionist's inexperience quivering in her voice as she asked "well did she ask for an estimate?" this was after she relayed his total to him, which was in the upper 100s like mine, which is why i overheard (also because they were standing right next to me). and he says, "yes, my daughter came in and was told it'd be 60 to 80." and then, my receptionist had to help the less experienced receptionist, and i heard the words, heard the words that i know i couldn't say for myself and realized that i would plop down whatever dollar amount and get whatever third job that i had to to pay for it all. (as i sit here crying at my desk, typing this, four hours after it has happened.)

the receptionist says, "well, we can't perform euthanasia without an exam if you have never seen us before."

their conversation continues, but i don't hear another word, as i turn around and look on the floor. and there is this big black beautiful old dog with some gray around his face. and half his belly & side are rubbed raw without hair, from himself or from whatever malady he might have. and he looked at me, he looked at me with those eyes. and i tried to read them so hard. tried to see if they were saying please do not kill me. please do not kill me. or if they were saying, i'm old and tired, i'm too tired to keep walking behind these people. i'm ready. or if his eyes were just saying, hi lady. what are you doing here? cuz i'm just enjoying the air conditioning and this cold tile floor. and the tears just started pouring down my face for this old dog. and for my miss kitty. who i don't think i could ever put to sleep. and i don't think i could ever watch her wither away in front of my eyes either. and i knew right then why this man's daughter was unable to take this old dog in to the vet's office to put it to sleep. because she saw in his eyes, that trusting look. or that unknowing look. but she did not find the it's time for me to die look, so she had to send in her father and brother. and maybe even uncle. and i'm about to break down standing there in public.

and then it was said. "well you could just go do it at the town lake shelter for five bucks if you want."

and that was it. and i burst. it took three men sitting there. one old dog. miss kitty still behind the doors in the lab. and the mention of $5 euthanasia at the town lake shelter. and i could no longer hold back the tears as i'm standing there, deciding if i want to spend $188 on miss kitty. as i look over the counter's edge at her file, and see "1993." she's been visiting this same vet since 1993 when she came in. an alley whore who was a homeless teenage pregnancy case. who needed a home. and she found one in a crazy 21-year-old girl who didn't even like cats, but was someone who knew what it felt like needing to feel safe somewhere, needing somewhere to call home.

and.

and i could barely choke out to my receptionist, "do you have a restroom?"

"two doors to the left." as she didn't even look up.

and i went to the bathroom. to cry. i didn't have any resolution when i walked out, but i looked at that dog again. i didn't want to look too long. i didn't want those men to think i was judging them, cuz that's not what i was doing. my mom put my dog, that we grew up with, to sleep many years ago. cuz our dog couldn't see. could barely walk. and could no longer hold her bladder. but mom tried before she could do it. twice, before she was actually able. she would get Licorice in the car, and by the time they got to the vet, she was perky again and happy to be out and looking alive, and my mom just couldn't do it. i was in college at the time, so i wasn't really personally there. but she told me again, she tried again. but couldn't go through with it. again. then she'd take her home, where she'd do nothing, just lie on the kitchen floor for another stretch of time. running into things when she did get up. incontinence. and all this, these memories that i had not thought of in years (this must have been early 90s also), i hadn't thought of especially cuz i wasn't there at home, came flooding back (and probably more vivid than memories, they came flooding back as reenactments of that which i had never seen before) as i looked into this old dog's eyes. and still saw life.

it's not my decision to end life. life ends itself. life begins itself.

we're all just passing through. but still, it breaks my heart every time.

does this title link thing work?

2005-09-19T16:43:00.000-05:00

once upon a time i was sitting at work and trying to add new title tags to my old template which i still dearly love. oh how does one do this, i call upon the blogger fiends of the world. i sit here broken-hearted as i desire the features of the old *and* the new, i want my cake and eat it too. alas i don't know what to do...

trying a new template

2004-11-22T15:28:00.000-06:00

zenbetty speaks...